After careful consideration and a far-and-wide search of eligible candidates, we have chosen the lucky bachelor for the 2017 fall season. He is short, dark and handsome, with a calm demeanor and quiet disposition. Question is: will one lucky lady here on the farm win his heart forever, or will he pack up and leave them all without a backward glance. Welcome to “The Bachelor”-Happy Earth Farm Edition, featuring this year’s most eligible bachelor, Snapshot. Will he find true love? Only time will tell.
There was a noticeable buzz in the air as we pulled up to the grazing pasture. Inside the closed livestock trailer was the prized bachelor bull, while outside, the seven eligible young ladies clamored about in anticipation of the first glimpse of this year’s stud muffin. Shoulder blades were sharpened as they vied for position, shoving one another aside to be front and center for maximum “first look” exposure. As the door swung open there were noticeable gasps as the shy, but confident young bull made his way into the sunshine. Let the game begin……
Bessie won out for best position as she rubbed noses with the young man while he was still standing in the trailer. He seemed appreciative, but he also gave her the “I’m here to meet all of the ladies” look, so she backed away in momentary defeat, as she began plotting her next big move to get some “alone time” with him. Some of the ladies were assertive, some timid and some way too aggressive. I could tell that Snapshot was sizing up who were the naughty girls and who where the ones he would consider bringing back to meet his mamma during Hometown’s. “But, hey”, he seemed to be thinking, “the naughty girls might be a ton of fun before I kick them to the curb”. Then he strutted his stuff slowly towards the stand of trees with all of his manhood swaying in the breeze. Naturally, the ladies kept pace right behind, trying hard to conceal their glances of appreciation.
They all took turns having the obligatory one-on-one time with Snapshot. This was their only chance to stand out in the crowd. It is known to be the time to spill the deepest, darkest, and most pitiful humiliations to this complete stranger if they had any chance of staying for another round. Oh no! They all gave him the same sob story about growing up without a strong father figure and how their last boyfriend cheated on them every chance he got. Ladies, come on….you have to be more original if you want to get the pity rose at the end of the cocktail party. Cringe-worthy personal histories are key!
I caught a glimpse of Tattoo as she cried hysterically near the edge of the fence, while a gaggle of other contestants tried to console here. She was wailing, “Snapshot hasn’t even looked my way…..when will it be my turn to find true love on a reality game show?” My goodness Tattoo is an unattractive crier, especially with all that mascara running down her face. Turn away from the camera sweetheart; you’ll thank me later, I promise. The others were consoling, but secretly they were thrilled that Tattoo seemed to be crumbling under the pressure, one less threat.
Snapshot swaggered over to grab the first impression rose; every contestant held their breath as he passed them by on his way to Rosie. Damn, girl, you nailed it! That totally overt and obnoxious tongue bath you bestowed on him during your alone time really got his attention. Well played, even if that ridiculously provocative behavior put you in the “naughty girl” category.
Well, Chris Harrison just announced that there will be no rose ceremony tonight so all of the contestants are safe from elimination this week. I can’t help but wonder; when all of this is over and the last false eyelash has been fished out of the water trough, will one of these lucky ladies be sporting a ginormous engagement ring designed by Neil Lane, or will they all be left puffy eyed, rejected and regretting saying “I love you” to a dude dating six other chicks? Stay tuned!