Two of our adolescent heifers have come of age; I gotta tell y’all, it ain’t pretty. Cows, most of the time, have absolutely no interest in the male species. They will ignore, kick, or run away from an amorous bull. The bulls get the message pretty quickly and things remain calm in the pasture. When the females go into heat, it is a whole different story.
Female cows and heifers are fertile every 28 days and remain so for about 18 hours and, to be certain, they are the most cringe-worthy 18 hours I have ever experienced. Tattoo and Lolita are our youngest heifers (heifers are females who have not had calves). They have recently transitioned into young ladies and I swear the scene around here feels so much like a Saturday night high school party that I cannot even stand it.
Steer Boy gets the come hither look from Lolita. He looks around to make certain she doesn’t mean the guy standing next to him. He cautiously makes his approach because he has been rebuffed way too many times to even count by this very same female. Lolita lowers her eyes shyly and then moves closer. Then, as if Bob Seger’s “Night Moves” is playing in the background, they begin to do the mating dance. They get closer and awkwardly, but purposely, brush against one another. They engage in some meaningless banter because no one knows how this should go. She is thinking he is actually kind of cute and he is thinking about what he has to do to score. This nauseating scene plays out over several hours as they behave as if no one else exists. He is wondering how to, when to, make his move, while she is wondering why he hasn’t made a move. And just when he gets the courage to “go for it”, someone screams that host’s parents are pulling into the driveway and everyone grabs their remaining cans from the six-pack they have been carrying around and sprints out the backdoor.
In this case, that parent would be me, as I decide I can no longer stand the spectacle. I stand at the fence and lecture. Steer Boy slinks away, while Lolita rolls her eyes and endures yet another tirade about how that boy is no good for her…..she needs to wait until I find a boy who can give her what she needs…..I know a nice young bull who has a pedigreed background……his parents both have papers!........trust me, I admonish, in the long run, you will thank me.
Lolita turns her back, takes a shit and just walks away.